The basics of boundaries for ADHD’ers
Why does it feel so difficult to set boundaries with ADHD?
Let’s be honest: boundaries are one of those things everyone says we need, but nobody actually teaches us how to do.
You probably already know that you have a tendency to say yes too quickly, that you end up overcommitted, that you push yourself way past the point of burnout. And then, when you crash, you feel guilty for needing rest, guilty for canceling plans, guilty for not being able to “just handle it like everyone else.”
But the thing is, you have ADHD – and that impacts your ability to effectively set and uphold boundaries. Let’s talk about it.
Why boundaries and ADHD clash
Most people don’t realize that boundaries aren’t just about relationships – you need boundaries with yourself as much as you need boundaries with other people.
Having boundaries with yourself looks like getting to sleep at a reasonable hour, eating healthy food instead of ordering takeout, exercising regularly and generally making good on the things you promise yourself you’re going to do.
When you constantly override your own limits or don’t uphold your own boundaries, like by saying yes to things you don’t have the capacity for, your body will have a tendency to go into survival mode.
And if you’re frequently ignoring your physical needs – hunger, thirst, sleep, urge to go to the bathroom, etc. – for example while you’re hyperfocusing, well, then you’re frequently overriding your own boundaries.
When that happens, your body starts to feel unsafe. And unsafe bodies get stuck in fight, flight, or freeze. Which in turn makes it difficult to regulate your emotions, fulfill your needs and set boundaries.
So ADHD can be the cause of the poor boundaries – while the poor boundaries makes your ADHD even worse.
See how that’s a bit of a catch-22?
Now layer the classic ADHD struggles of impulse control – where you’ll blurt out ‘sure’ to a request without any prior consideration – and rejection sensitive dysphoria on top of that, and you have a real conundrum on your hands.
But why is it so difficult to set those darned boundaries?
Why it feels so hard to set boundaries
Setting boundaries with other people
ADHD makes it difficult to set boundaries – we’ve established that so far. But why does it feel so horrible?
You might overthink, feel your chest tighten or your voice shake when trying to set a boundary (and that’s if you even get to the point of trying to set one).
Well, there can be a lot of reasons – for example that your body feels unsafe, and when your body feels unsafe, we have a tendency to revert to what feels safe, which can involve people-pleasing.
A lot of ADHD’ers also have RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), which means you're highly sensitive to any signs of rejection and possible conflict. And when you struggle with feeling rejected, you might interpret other people setting boundaries as rejections, and might feel less inclined to set them yourself for that same reason.
It’s not that you’re incapable of setting boundaries – it’s that your whole body interprets boundaries as relationally risky. And of course, when your body is screaming “DANGER!”, it’s easier to just give in.
Setting boundaries with yourself
When it comes to setting boundaries with yourself, there’s a few different reasons you might be struggling.
ADHD generally makes it difficult to get anything done, and if you’ve previously set goals and been unable to get things done to actually achieve those goals, that might make an impact on you. Maybe it has eroded your self-trust, which makes it more difficult for you to set boundaries with yourself, because “why bother? I’ll fail anyways”.
Or maybe you’ve started to experience a lot of shame whenever you try, and fail to uphold a boundary with yourself. Which unconsciously makes you scared of feeling ashamed, so you stop trying.
There’s also the added complexity of struggling with interoception (feeling your body’s needs and emotions) and executive functions (skills that you use to manage everyday tasks) that makes it difficult to uphold the boundaries you set for yourself.
So it’s a complex issue, and depending on what the reason behind your particular struggles are, it will have different solutions.
But as you start to work on setting boundaries, I want you to remember something – and this is important, no matter whether you’re setting boundaries with yourself or others: Boundaries aren’t punishments.
They’re acts of care for yourself and for your relationships. You can’t have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone if you’re resentful of them. And that’s what’s going to happen if you let them cross your boundaries without letting them know.
You’re setting boundaries because you care: About yourself and your relationships. It’s okay not to do it perfectly, it’s okay that you struggle with it right now, and it’s okay to start small.
And when you start practicing boundaries in small, safe ways, your nervous system starts to learn: “Oh, I can say no and still be safe. I can protect my energy without losing love or connection.”
Check back in soon for the next installment, where we talk about how to start setting boundaries.