How to start setting boundaries with ADHD
The beginner’s guide for ADHD’ers. Because we all need to start somewhere.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve said yes to something before my brain had a chance to check in with the rest of me. One second I’m nodding along (because, sure, that’s a great idea and sounds fun!), and the next I’m wondering how I ended up agreeing to catsit, bake three dozen muffins, and help someone move – on the same weekend I had promised myself I was finally going to sleep in and relax.
If you have ADHD, you probably know that people-pleasing and overcommitting can become a full-time job. Saying no feels uncomfortable, and half the time we don’t realize we needed a boundary until we’re already burned out.
Boundaries are not about being selfish, but about creating space for your own needs. Let’s talk about how you can start setting boundaries without transforming into a super-strict no-person.
Boundaries should come before a burnout
Here’s where most of us get tripped up when it comes to boundaries: We wait until we’re already exhausted, overstimulated, and overwhelmed before we even think about setting a boundary. By then, our nervous system is fried, our emotions are high, our RSD is triggered and saying no feels almost impossible.
Boundaries are so much easier to set when you’re not under pressure – things don’t feel so scary when you’re in a good mood and full of energy. But that’s also the exact moment you’re most likely to say yes to way too many things.
You’re multi-passionate, everything sounds fun and exciting, you’ve got ten new ideas and you want to do all of them right now. Saying no feels unnecessary because, well, you feel good.
But here’s what I need you to remember about boundaries: If you’re only setting them after you start to feel burned out, then you’re doing it too late. Boundaries need to be set before you start feeling worn out.
Think of boundaries as preventative medicine, not emergency care.
You don’t get worn out and then need boundaries. You get worn out because you didn’t set them earlier.
Look at your ‘no’ differently
I want you to think of boundaries a bit differently.
Instead of thinking of boundaries as shutting things down, try reframing them as a way of protecting your energy for the things that actually matter to you.
It’s not that you’re being difficult. It’s that you’re making sure you still have energy for the projects, people, and passions you truly care about.
And sometimes, saying no is the only reason you’ll have the capacity to say a wholehearted yes to something later on to the opportunities and relationships that actually matter to you.
Start where it feels safe
Okay, now that we’ve reframed the boundaries, how do you actually do this?
Maybe you don’t start with the scariest person in your life. You don’t need to go from zero to a full-on “I’m done acting like our personal therapist, Mom” conversation. That’s too much, too soon.
Instead, start where you feel safest. Boundaries are kinda like weightlifting: You don’t walk into the gym and try to deadlift 100 kgs on day one. You start with the small weights, and as your muscles get stronger, you build up.
Some safe starting points can be a trusted friend, your partner, or even with yourself, if that feels the safest:
With a trusted friend: “Actually, I don’t have the energy to hang out tonight, but I’d love to catch up next week,” or “I can’t meet up at 6, but I can be there at 7 pm.”
With your partner: “I need 15 minutes alone after work before I can talk,” or “when someone invites us to something, I need a little time to think before I commit. Can we agree not to say yes right away so I can check my energy and schedule first?”
With yourself: Putting your phone on silent for an hour, or closing your laptop at a reasonable time even though you could squeeze in one more task.
These may feel ridiculously small, but they matter. And if your boundary feels unsafe, don’t hesitate to go even smaller!
Buy yourself some time
One of the best things you can do when practicing setting boundaries, is to give yourself a pause before answering when someone is asking for your time and energy.
Most of us say yes automatically – we might be afraid of people getting upset with us for saying no, or just impulsively agree without considering if we actually have the mental and physical capacity to show up.
I want you to practice slowing down whenever someone asks you to do something (if it’s in a setting where you have any power over your time and energy).
Try this: anytime someone asks something of you, you can say one of the following sentences:
“Let me think about it and get back to you.”
“I need to check my calendar, but I’ll get back to you at X time.”
“I need to sleep on it – I’ll get back to you tomorrow!”
“I’m not sure I can – but I’ll let you know!”
You don’t need to explain. You don’t need a reason. That tiny gap gives you time to check in with yourself: Do I actually want to do this? Do I have the energy? Or am I saying yes because I feel like I have to?
That pause alone can save you from a whole lot of overwhelm. If you struggle with impulsivity, this might be difficult. But keep practicing! It’ll get easier over time.
Stop volunteering. Please.
If you have ADHD, chances are you’ve signed yourself up for things you didn’t really want to do. Suddenly you’re the one taking minutes at every meeting, agreeing to organize the group gift, or staying late to clean up after everyone else has gone home. Not because anyone asked, but because the silence felt unbearable, so you filled it with “I’ll do it!”
But honestly? That awkward pause when nobody volunteers? It’s not your job to fix it. Sometimes it’s okay if nobody steps forward right away. Let the silence hang. Give other people a chance to feel the discomfort and decide if they want to take responsibility. You don’t always have to rescue the room.
Another sneaky trap is when you start offering help that nobody even asked for. Maybe you’re the first to say “I can draft that email” or “I’ll bring snacks next time” before it was ever on the table. I know that you’re a fun, wonderful person who just wants to do a good thing to help people out.
And that impulse often comes from wanting to be helpful or liked, but in reality, you’re just creating extra work for yourself.
The boundary here is just for yourself: Pause. Don’t say a thing.
Before jumping in, ask yourself:
Is this actually mine to do?
Did anyone ask me?
Will I regret saying yes later?
That way you’re protecting your time and energy so your “yes” actually means something, instead of being the default setting.
Negotiate your boundaries
Boundaries don’t have to be all-or-nothing. Show up or don’t show up. Stay or leave. Boundaries can be flexible.
If somebody asks you to do something, you don’t have to just say yes or no – you can negotiate, so you show up for both yourself and for other people.
Here’s what that can look like in practice:
Picture this: Your friend texts you, asking if you can help them move on Saturday. Old you immediately says yes, even though you’re exhausted, and spends the whole weekend resentful.
Boundary-practicing you might say: “I can’t help with moving, but I can bring over pizza once you’re settled.”
Or:
Picture this: Your coworker invites you to the office potluck and says, “Can you make your famous lasagna for everyone?” Old you agree instantly, then spend hours shopping, cooking, and stressing, only to show up exhausted and leave early.
Boundary-practicing you might say: “I don’t have the bandwidth to make a whole dish this time, but I can bring a salad/bread/drinks.”
That way, you’re showing up in a way that feels good to you, without abandoning yourself.
This work can be difficult, especially in the beginning as you’re rewiring your body to be okay with setting boundaries. It takes a lot of good experiences with setting boundaries for your body and nervous system to start feeling safe expressing your needs.
So start small and build from there. Maybe pick one thing this week you won’t compromise on, and try to work from there.
Do you want to know why it’s so difficult to set boundaries with ADHD?
Check out my article: